Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the condom got lost in my hair
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
