Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
