yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
