Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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