I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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