i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
