i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
