I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
