I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Randomize
