I wannas sexs uuuuu
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
