So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
