I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
