I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
