Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize