It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize