You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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