Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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