genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize