i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
