it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
