I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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