come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
