and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
