I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
