the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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