but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
