i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
