Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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