I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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