remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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