how can u be prego again
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
