So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
