Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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