Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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