I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize