Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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