Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she looked like the before picture.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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