false alarm. still invincible.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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