he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
