She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
