Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
God, I missed his penis.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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