Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
