I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
