Old men and throwing up are my life now.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
