I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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