I cockslap morals
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
