we have pet lesbian snakes
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
