the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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