fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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