She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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