I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
