Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
