What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
