...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
we're making bets on your personal life
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
