you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
