all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
