He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
