I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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