Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
