My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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