Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
