i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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