dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
