i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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