She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
